You have finally agreed to try couples counselling, or one of you has booked it, and now there is a gap before the first appointment. That gap can feel strange. The problem has not gone anywhere, help is on the way, and you are still living together in the meantime.
The waiting period does not have to be wasted, or a white-knuckle stretch. The goal is not to solve your relationship before you walk in. It is to keep things steady, avoid new damage, and arrive with a clearer sense of what you both want help with.
Should you work on the relationship before the first session?
Yes, but aim for steady rather than fixed. Couples often swing between two extremes while they wait: either trying to settle every argument before the counsellor hears about it, or putting everything on hold and saying "we'll deal with it in therapy". Neither works well.
Trying to resolve the big issue alone usually means having the same fight again, with more pressure on it. Putting everything on hold leaves you both walking on eggshells. A middle path tends to work better:
- Keep the big, painful topics for the counselling room, where someone can help you slow them down.
- Keep handling daily life together: meals, kids, money that has to be paid, plans that are already made.
- Put your energy into how you treat each other, not into winning the argument.
It can help to say it out loud: "We're not going to solve this before the appointment, and that's okay. Let's just try not to make it worse."
Agree on a few ground rules for hard conversations
A short, shared agreement about how you will handle conflict takes a lot of heat out of the waiting period. Three or four rules you both follow will do more than a long list neither of you remembers. Ideas couples often use:
- A pause word. A neutral word either of you can use to stop a conversation that is going badly. The other person respects it, and whoever called the pause brings the topic back later.
- No big talks late at night. Tired brains fight worse. If something comes up when you are both exhausted, pick a better time.
- Start gently. Couples researchers at the Gottman Institute describe a "gentle start-up" as the antidote to criticism: talk about how you feel and what you need, rather than what is wrong with your partner. "I felt alone at dinner and I'd like us to talk more" lands very differently from "You never pay attention to me."
- No major decisions for now. Moving out, telling family the relationship is over, or making big financial changes are decisions better made with more support, not in the middle of a tense week.
What to do when a conversation starts to boil over
Take a real break, then come back. When an argument escalates, many people become physically flooded: heart racing, mind narrowing, words coming out sharper than intended. Nothing productive happens in that state.
The Gottman Institute suggests that when you notice this, you say so, ask for a break, and spend about 20 minutes doing something on your own that actually calms you, such as a walk, a shower or reading, before returning to the conversation. Two things make a break work:
- Say when you will come back. "I need a break, can we try again after dinner?" is very different from walking out. Leaving without a plan can feel like abandonment to the other person, especially if they are the one who tends to push for more talking.
- Use the time to calm down, not to rehearse. If you spend the break building your case, you will come back more wound up than when you left.
If it heats up again when you come back, agree that this one waits for the counselling session. That is not failure. It is exactly what counselling is for.
Notice your pattern instead of arguing about it
One of the most useful things you can do while you wait is notice the shape of your conflict, not just its content. Most couples have the same argument in different costumes: the topic changes (dishes, money, in-laws) but the dance stays the same.
A very common pattern is pursue and withdraw: one partner pushes for connection or a response, the other shuts down or pulls away to stop the conflict, which makes the first partner push harder, and around it goes. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT), one of the main couples approaches, is built on attachment theory and pays close attention to cycles like this one. Noticing your own part in the loop is useful.
After a hard moment, try a short private note about your own side (not your partner's faults):
- What set it off?
- What did I feel underneath the anger or frustration? (Hurt, scared, lonely, criticized, overwhelmed?)
- What did I do next? (Raise my voice, go quiet, leave the room, keep explaining?)
- What was I hoping my partner would do?
Bring these notes to your first session if you like. They give the counsellor a clear picture quickly and keep the focus on the pattern rather than on who started it.
Small ways to stay connected while you wait
The Gottman Institute writes about "bids" for connection: the small comments, questions and gestures partners make to get each other's attention, like pointing out something funny, asking about a meeting or reaching for a hand. Turning toward those bids, even briefly, helps build goodwill. Ignoring them, or turning away, slowly wears it down.
A few low-pressure ideas:
- A short daily check-in that is not about the problem: "How was your day? What went well, and what was hard?"
- One thing you appreciate about your partner each day, said out loud. Keep it specific and small.
- Keep one regular ritual going, such as weekend coffee or a walk after dinner.
- Notice when your partner reaches toward you, and respond, even if you are still hurt about something else.
None of this means pretending everything is fine. You can be worried about the relationship and still be kind to each other on a Tuesday night.
What to avoid while you wait
Some habits feel natural but make the first sessions harder:
- Building a case. A running list of your partner's wrongs turns the first session into a trial. Counsellors are not there to rule on who is right.
- Using counselling as a threat. "Wait until the counsellor hears about this" makes your partner more defensive and less likely to open up.
- Recruiting a jury. Leaning on a close friend is healthy. Getting several people to agree that your partner is the problem hardens positions on both sides.
- Diagnosing your partner from the internet. Reading can help. Telling your partner they have a particular disorder or "attachment style" rarely does.
- Ultimatums. "If therapy doesn't fix this, I'm leaving" puts huge pressure on the first sessions. If you are unsure about staying, say so to the counsellor rather than using it as leverage.
Get ready for the first session
A little practical preparation means your first appointment can go to the things that matter. Talk with your partner about these before you go:
- Why each of you is coming. You may not have the same reason, and that is normal. One of you may want to repair things after a breach of trust while the other mostly wants to stop fighting. Saying this out loud ahead of time avoids surprises in the room.
- One hope each. Try finishing the sentence "If counselling helps, I'd notice that we..." It is easier to start from a shared goal than from a list of complaints.
- What you are not ready to talk about yet. You do not have to disclose everything in the first session. You can tell the counsellor there is something you want to raise later.
- The practical side. Who is booking, in person or video, and childcare. Ask about the fee and whether the practitioner direct bills your plan, and check which credentials your extended health plan accepts.
- Questions for the counsellor. For example, what approach they use with couples and whether they ever meet with partners separately.
If you want to understand the approaches you might hear about, such as EFT or the Gottman Method, our honest guide to couples counselling in Chilliwack and Abbotsford explains them, along with what sessions look like and how to choose a counsellor.
If you are nervous about the first appointment, our post on what the first couples counselling session is like walks through it step by step.
When waiting is not the right plan
Sometimes the issue is not how to wait, but whether couples counselling should come first at all. If there is physical violence, threats, or one partner controlling the other's money, phone, friends or movements, joint sessions can make things less safe, and individual support usually comes first. In BC, VictimLinkBC offers confidential support 24 hours a day by phone or text at 1-800-563-0808.
If one of you is struggling with low mood, anxiety, heavy drinking or a recent loss, individual counselling can run alongside couples work or start first.
What if the wait is longer than you hoped?
Availability changes week to week and differs between practitioners, so ask rather than assume. You can ask:
- Whether another practitioner who sees couples has an earlier opening.
- Whether video sessions are an option, which can open up more times.
Our post on online couples counselling in BC explains how video sessions work for couples. Choose the option you can keep showing up for.
Couples counselling at The Healing Oak
The Healing Oak has clinics in Chilliwack and Abbotsford. Each practitioner sets their own schedule, so check their profile or ask when you book. Practitioners who work with couples or relationships:
- Chilliwack: Jen Larush, Registered Psychologist, sees couples. Her profile lists the Gottman Method and emotionally focused family therapy (EFFT). Korey Smith, MPCC-C, works one-on-one with individuals on relationship and marriage concerns.
- Abbotsford: Patricia Nitkin, Ph.D., CCC-S, works with individuals, couples, families and groups.
You do not need a doctor's referral to book counselling at either clinic. Fees vary by practitioner, so confirm the fee when you book. MSP generally does not cover private counselling. Many extended health plans do, but plans differ on which credentials they cover, so check your plan. Direct billing depends on the practitioner. Ask when you book, or see our direct billing page.
Both clinics also offer registered massage therapy and acupuncture. Some people book these alongside counselling to help with tension and sleep during a stressful stretch. They can support how you feel day to day, but they are not a substitute for counselling.
To compare counsellors, approaches and credentials, see our counselling services in Abbotsford and Chilliwack, or start with the guide to couples counselling in the Fraser Valley.
| Clinic | Address | Phone |
|---|---|---|
| The Healing Oak Chilliwack | #101-7408 Vedder Road, Chilliwack, BC V2R 4E6 | (604) 846-2999 |
| The Healing Oak Abbotsford | #111, 2632 Pauline Street, Abbotsford, BC V2S 0C9 | (604) 850-9097 |
This article is general information, not medical or psychological advice. For advice about your situation, talk to a qualified practitioner.
