If your stomach drops a little when you think about your first couples counselling appointment, you are in good company. Sitting in a room (or on a video call) with your partner and a stranger, and talking about the most private part of your life, is a big ask. Most couples feel some mix of dread, hope and embarrassment beforehand, and often the two partners are nervous about completely different things.
Knowing what actually happens takes a lot of the fear out of it. This guide covers why couples feel nervous, what a first session usually involves, the questions people worry about most, and how to look after yourselves afterwards.
Why do couples feel nervous before the first session?
Nerves before couples counselling are normal and usually come from a few predictable fears. Naming yours can make it easier to raise with your partner, or with the counsellor in the first few minutes.
- Being blamed. Many people walk in expecting to be found guilty. The fear sounds like "my partner will list everything I've done wrong and the counsellor will agree."
- The counsellor taking sides. Closely linked: worry that the person who booked, or the one who talks more, will win the counsellor over.
- What it says about the relationship. Some people feel that needing counselling means the relationship is failing. Others fear the session will confirm it is over.
- Opening something you cannot close. Saying things out loud can feel risky, especially old hurts or things you have never told your partner.
- Feeling exposed. Talking about sex, money, family or infidelity in front of someone new can feel embarrassing, even for people who are usually open.
The partner who suggested counselling and the partner who agreed to it often feel differently. The first may be anxious that it will not help. The second may feel they are being sent to be fixed. Both reactions are common, and a good counsellor expects them.
What happens before you arrive
Much of the first session is shaped before you walk in, and knowing the steps can settle some nerves. Processes differ between practitioners, but you can usually expect some of these:
- Booking. One partner usually books. You may be asked for both names and contact details, and whether you prefer in person or video.
- Forms. Many counsellors send intake forms ahead of time. Couples sometimes fill them in separately, so each person can answer honestly in their own words.
- Consent and confidentiality. You will usually be given information about how the counsellor handles privacy, records and fees, and asked to agree to it.
Ask about the fee and whether the practitioner can direct bill your extended health plan when you book, so money is not a surprise on the day.
What happens in a first couples counselling session?
A first session is mostly about understanding, not fixing. The counsellor is trying to get to know both of you, the relationship, and what you each want, so they can suggest how to work together. A typical first session covers some or all of the following.
Introductions and the ground rules
The counsellor will usually explain how they work, what they keep confidential and the limits of confidentiality. Counsellors follow professional codes of ethics, such as the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association's, which set out when they may have to share information, for example if someone is at risk of serious harm or a child may need protection. Ask questions here if anything is unclear.
What brings you in
Each of you will be asked, in turn, what led you to book now. The counsellor will usually make sure both people get space to answer without being interrupted. It is fine if your answers are very different. That difference is useful information, not a problem.
Your history as a couple
Expect questions about how you met, what drew you together, what has been good, and when things started to feel harder. Many couples find this part surprisingly warm. Remembering why you chose each other can soften the room.
What you each hope for
Near the end, the counsellor will often ask what you want to be different, and may outline a plan: how often to meet, what they will focus on, and whether they would like to see each of you on your own for a session. Session durations vary, so ask about length when you book.
Some counsellors meet with each partner separately early on. This is not to find an ally. It gives each person room to share their own history and anything that is hard to say in front of the other person. Ask how the counsellor handles information from those one-on-one conversations. Some have a "no secrets" policy, which means they may bring relevant information back into joint sessions.
Will the counsellor take sides?
No. A couples counsellor's job is to help both of you understand what is happening between you, not to decide who is right. Many couples counsellors describe the relationship itself as the focus of the work.
That does not mean they stay silent. A counsellor will slow things down, interrupt a pattern that is going badly and point out what they notice, sometimes to one partner more than the other in a given moment. That can feel like taking sides when it is happening to you. If it does, say so. A good counsellor will welcome the feedback and explain what they were trying to do.
What if we argue in the session?
That is okay, and the counsellor is ready for it. Seeing how you argue in real time tells them more than any description could. Approaches such as emotionally focused therapy (EFT), which is grounded in attachment research, focus on the cycle underneath conflict, so an argument in the room is something to work with, not a failure.
If things get heated, the counsellor will usually step in, slow the conversation and help each of you say what is going on underneath. If you feel overwhelmed, you can ask for a moment. If one of you needs to step out, that is information too, and a counsellor can help you both come back to it.
How to prepare without over-preparing
A little preparation helps. Rehearsing a speech does not. A few things to talk about together beforehand:
- Why each of you is going. Say it in a sentence or two. You do not need to agree.
- One thing you would like to be different. Keep it about the relationship, not about your partner changing.
- What you are not ready to share yet. You can tell the counsellor there is something you would like to raise later. You do not have to say everything in the first session.
- Logistics. Childcare, how you will get there, and whether you will travel together. For video sessions, find a private space where you will not be overheard and test the connection first.
It can also help to agree not to bring a list of grievances. Counsellors are more interested in the pattern between you than in a record of who did what. If you are waiting a while for the first appointment, our post on what to do while you wait for couples counselling has more ideas.
Questions you can ask in the first session
The first session is also your chance to decide whether this counsellor is a good fit. Reasonable questions include:
- What approach do you use with couples? (You may hear EFT or the Gottman Method, two of the better known couples approaches.)
- Do you meet with partners separately, and how do you handle what we tell you privately?
- How often do you suggest we meet, and how will we review whether it is helping?
- What do you do if one of us wants to stop?
- What is your fee, and do you direct bill our plan?
Our guide to couples counselling in Chilliwack and Abbotsford explains the main approaches, what the first few weeks tend to look like, and how to choose a counsellor.
After the first session
Many couples feel tired, raw or oddly hopeful after a first session, sometimes all three. It is common for things to feel a little harder before they feel better, because you are talking about things you have both been avoiding.
- Do not replay the session in the car. Agree not to pick apart what the other person said straight away. Give it a day.
- Check in gently later. A simple "How are you feeling about it?" is enough.
- Notice your own reactions. What felt hard? What felt like relief? Bring that to the next session.
- Give it more than one session. First sessions are about getting started. If the fit does not feel right after a few sessions, it is fine to try someone else.
Couples counselling is usually not the right first step if there is violence, threats or controlling behaviour in the relationship. In that case, individual support comes first. In BC, VictimLinkBC offers confidential support 24 hours a day by phone or text at 1-800-563-0808.
Couples counselling at The Healing Oak
The Healing Oak has clinics in Chilliwack and Abbotsford. Practitioners who work with couples or relationships:
- Chilliwack: Jen Larush, Registered Psychologist, sees couples. Her profile lists the Gottman Method and emotionally focused family therapy (EFFT). Korey Smith, MPCC-C, works one-on-one with individuals on relationship and marriage concerns.
- Abbotsford: Patricia Nitkin, Ph.D., CCC-S, works with individuals, couples, families and groups.
You do not need a doctor's referral to book counselling at either clinic. Fees vary by practitioner, so confirm the fee when you book. MSP generally does not cover private counselling. Many extended health plans do, but plans differ on which credentials they cover, so check your plan. Direct billing depends on the practitioner. Ask when you book, or see our direct billing page.
Both clinics also offer registered massage therapy and acupuncture. Some people book these alongside counselling to help with tension and sleep during a stressful stretch. They can support how you feel day to day, but they are not a substitute for counselling.
For an overview of counsellors, approaches and credentials, see our counselling services in Abbotsford and Chilliwack, or read the couples counselling guide for the Fraser Valley.
| Clinic | Address | Phone |
|---|---|---|
| The Healing Oak Chilliwack | #101-7408 Vedder Road, Chilliwack, BC V2R 4E6 | (604) 846-2999 |
| The Healing Oak Abbotsford | #111, 2632 Pauline Street, Abbotsford, BC V2S 0C9 | (604) 850-9097 |
This article is general information, not medical or psychological advice. For advice about your situation, talk to a qualified practitioner.
