In a world that thrives on productivity, positivity, and perfection, it's no surprise that many people live under the constant strain of invisible expectations. These expectations often manifest as internalized messages: 'I should be stronger.' I should be over this by now. I should be able to do what I used to.
For individuals managing long-term stress, anxiety, or recovering from surgery or chronic illness, these "should" statements can become a heavy emotional burden. They're subtle, persistent, and often deeply ingrained. But there is a way to lighten the weight of these pressures—and it starts by changing the story you tell yourself.
This is where Narrative Therapy offers a powerful, evidence-informed approach. This modality helps clients examine and rewrite the stories that shape their beliefs, emotions, and actions. Let's take a closer look at how narrative therapy helps you let go of harmful "shoulds" and reconnect with a more compassionate version of yourself.
Narrative Therapy is a respectful, non-pathologizing approach to counselling that views people as separate from their problems. Developed in the 1980s by therapists Michael White and David Epston, this therapy is based on the idea that the stories we tell about our lives influence how we see ourselves—and what we believe is possible.
It draws from postmodern theory, which recognizes that there is no single objective truth—only the meaning we make of our experiences through language and culture. Because of this, narrative therapy places great importance on personal agency: the idea that people are the experts in their own lives.
This approach also honours the diversity of human experience and invites clients to explore the broader social and historical context of their challenges—not just their internal responses.
Rather than viewing someone as the problem ("I'm just an anxious person"), Narrative Therapy helps individuals identify how problems—like anxiety, self-judgment, or shame—have become entangled in their stories. Once we externalize these issues, we can begin to explore their origins, what fuels them, and, most importantly, how to address and change them.
Understanding the Burden of "Should"
"Should" statements are often rooted in societal expectations, family beliefs, and cultural norms. While they might seem like helpful motivators, they frequently carry judgment and self-criticism. Consider some common examples:
I should be more grateful—it could be worse.
I should be back to work by now.
I should look like I'm handling this well.
I should be over the trauma already.
For those recovering from surgery or living with lymphedema, these thoughts can feel especially oppressive. The body heals at its own pace—but the mind often races ahead, demanding performance, strength, and resilience before they're truly available.
Similarly, individuals experiencing chronic stress or anxiety may feel guilty for needing rest, support, or time to process. These internalized pressures can make healing harder—not just physically, but emotionally too.
How Narrative Therapy Helps You Reframe the "Shoulds"
One of the foundational techniques in narrative therapy is externalization, which involves separating the person from the problem. For example, instead of saying, "I am ungrateful," a narrative therapist might help you reframe it as, "The pressure to be grateful is making it hard for me to acknowledge my real feelings."
By identifying "should" statements as external influences rather than core truths, you gain emotional distance and clarity. This allows you to begin examining where these beliefs originated and whether they continue to serve you.
2. Tracing the Origins of Internalized Pressure
Narrative therapy invites curiosity. In sessions, you and your therapist work collaboratively to explore the roots of the beliefs that weigh you down. Many "should" statements stem from earlier life experiences or cultural messages that may no longer be relevant—or were never truly yours to begin with.
You might discover that a parent or teacher reinforced the idea that rest equals laziness, or that your workplace rewarded over-functioning while discouraging emotional expression. In some cases, the broader culture you grew up in may have placed high value on stoicism, productivity, or perfectionism—leaving little room for vulnerability or rest.
By tracing the origins of these expectations, narrative therapy helps you examine their validity. If these beliefs came from outdated or external sources, do they still deserve space in your life? You gain the opportunity to consciously decide which values still serve you—and which you're ready to leave behind.
3. Reclaiming Personal Agency Through Re-Authored Stories
Once the problem is externalized and its origin explored, narrative therapy guides you in "re-authoring" your story. This is where meaningful shifts happen.
"I should be stronger" can become "I've endured a lot, and I'm learning to listen to what my body needs right now."
"I should be over this by now" might become "Healing is layered, and I'm allowed to take my time."
You begin to replace rigid self-expectations with flexible, self-affirming truths that are actually aligned with your values—not someone else's.
What Narrative Therapy Might Look Like in Practice
A narrative therapy session typically feels like a collaborative conversation, not a clinical interrogation. Practitioners trained in this approach use questions, reflections, and storytelling prompts to help you:
Name and examine the dominant stories shaping your self-perception
Identify which beliefs feel helpful—and which feel harmful
Discover new ways of talking about your experience that honour your strength and truth
You are the author of your experiences. Narrative therapy provides space to explore which stories you want to continue—and which ones you'd like to rewrite.
Recognizing the Dominant and Alternative Narratives
Within narrative therapy, much attention is given to what are known as "dominant" and "alternative" narratives. Dominant narratives are the loud, often culturally reinforced stories that have shaped our identity—stories like "I'm not doing enough" or "I'm falling behind." These are the stories that tend to play on repeat, especially during times of stress, illness, or transition.
But there are always other stories—quieter ones—that speak to our strengths, our values, and the times we showed resilience, care, or courage. Narrative therapy invites us to amplify these alternative narratives, not as a form of denial, but to remind ourselves that our identity is not one-dimensional. We're allowed to hold complexity: to struggle and still be strong, to need rest and still be responsible.
Exploring these multiple narratives allows for a more accurate, compassionate view of ourselves—one that honours our full humanity.
The Role of Language in Shaping Identity
The words we use to describe ourselves have profound influence over how we feel and what we believe is possible. Narrative therapy invites us to notice how language can either reinforce limiting beliefs or open the door to more hopeful ones.
For instance, shifting from "I failed" to "That didn't go as planned, but I learned something useful" changes how we experience setbacks. Saying "I'm overwhelmed right now" instead of "I'm a mess" preserves dignity and acknowledges the temporary nature of the feeling.
This is not about self-deception. It's about naming experiences in ways that are truthful and helpful—language that supports healing rather than reinforcing shame. Through this lens, identity becomes more fluid, and we can begin to shape it with intention, rather than by default.
The Subtle Power of Story: Why It Matters
It might seem simple—changing the way you talk to yourself—but narrative shifts can be profoundly healing. This isn't about ignoring difficulties or putting a positive spin on everything. Instead, it's about creating space for more than one version of your story—especially those that highlight resilience, care, and truth. When your story changes, your identity changes. And with it, your sense of what's possible.
For someone recovering from surgery, that might mean releasing shame around limitations and embracing rest as healing—not failure. For someone battling stress, it might mean letting go of the idea that your worth is tied to how much you can do.
Your story shapes your reality. And you have the power to shape your story.
Final Thoughts: Let Go of the "Shoulds"
If you're carrying the weight of internalized pressure, know that you're not alone—and it doesn't have to stay this way. Narrative therapy offers tools to question the rules you've been living by and write new ones that reflect your truth.
Letting go of the "shoulds" is not about giving up—it's about choosing stories that support healing over hustle, self-respect over self-criticism. You are allowed to move at your own pace, to value rest, and to honour what your lived experience has taught you. The stories you tell yourself matter—choose the ones that help you move forward with compassion and clarity.
Whether you're navigating stress, recovery, or identity changes, support is available if you're ready to begin exploring these shifts with a qualified therapist.
Is narrative therapy only for people with trauma?
No. Narrative therapy is helpful for anyone who feels stuck in a self-critical or limiting story. It's widely used for stress, illness, relationship challenges, and personal growth.
Can narrative therapy help with body image issues during recovery?
Yes. Narrative therapy helps clients unpack messages they've internalized about their bodies and reconstruct more compassionate, affirming perspectives.
How many narrative therapy sessions do I need to see a change?
Every person is different. Some clients experience shifts in a few sessions; others benefit from longer support. The pace depends on your personal needs and goals.
Is narrative therapy judgmental or confrontational?
Not at all. It's collaborative, respectful, and based on curiosity. The focus is on understanding—not labelling or diagnosing.
Can narrative therapy be integrated with other types of care?
Absolutely. Many people find that combining narrative therapy with other modalities—like massage therapy, acupuncture, or physiotherapy—supports a more holistic recovery experience.